- My husband is 11 years younger than me and we are part of different generations.
- When we started dating, I didn't think how our age gap would affect parenting.
- I help my teenager kids even when they don't need it, and he lets his preteen kids figure things out.
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When I started dating a man 11 years younger, I didn't think much about what it would mean for our parenting.
Watching my husband parent his two young kids very differently from the way I parented my older two has been both eye-opening and confronting.
He wants them to be independent
Just the other day, I caught my 7-year-old stepdaughter in the kitchen, standing on tiptoes to reach the honey jar, a bag of bread in her arms. An image of honey smeared over every surface and breadcrumbs covering the floor flashed into my mind. I quickly stepped in and took over. "You want a honey sandwich?" I asked her. "Here, let me do that for you. What shape do you want it cut into?"
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"Squares," she said, happy to let me do it. I carefully rationed out the honey, worrying about the sugar content, and handed her the tiny squares of bread. "Yum! Thanks," she grabbed the plate — something she probably wouldn't have used herself. "Eat it at the table," I called to her as she walked away.
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I know I'm doing more than my husband would, but I can't seem to help myself. He's encouraged his kids to make their own lunches since they were preschoolers. He doesn't supervise or insist they use a plate. He doesn't complain about the mess. "They're learning to be independent," he says. Meanwhile, I'm still frequently making lunch for my teenagers.
My parenting looks more like hovering compared to his
Until I got together with my husband, I never thought of my parenting as "overparenting." In fact, I didn't hear about helicopter parenting until my kids were almost teenagers. Attachment was a big deal, which seemed to mean being available to your kids most of the time. I let my preschoolers play on their own — with me close by in case they needed me. I taught them independence skills, like how to dress themselves and cook. But when I watched my husband with his kids, my parenting started to look more and more like hovering.
When my eldest daughter was 7, I don't think I ever let her make her own lunch. She helped in the kitchen with baking, but I made every meal. I attended hundreds of hours of ballet classes, spent an equal amount running practice with her at home, organized activities and playdates, helped her pick out clothes, cleaned her room, and volunteered at her theater class. It all felt like good parenting, but in hindsight, it was a lot, and I was often exhausted. I could have eased up and trusted her to do a bit more herself, as my husband does with his kids.
He trusts them to figure things out
It's not that my husband leaves his kids to their own devices. He's definitely engaged. He takes his kids to piano lessons and helps them with their practice, plays Barbies, teaches them to ride bikes, and takes them swimming — just like I did when my kids were young. But he also trusts them to figure things out for themselves a lot more than I do.
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Even now, I probably "help" at times when my kids don't need it. Watching my husband with his little ones reminds me to step back. My oldest daughter is 17 now and is certainly a capable young woman. She has a part-time job and does well in school. Next year, she's even planning a trip overseas. She doesn't need me to hover. But it also seems like my imperfect helicopter parenting hasn't harmed her much.
Perhaps as long as we're engaged and loving, our kids can cope with some of our parenting mistakes.
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